The Insane Idea Won Out
“Just one glass, no one will ever know. I’m not hurting anyone, it will be different this time.” These are only a few of the insane thoughts I told myself for years. My history of drinking proved, I did not know how to control and enjoy my drinking and yet, I still attempted the desperate experiment hoping for a different result. These lies/delusions about my willpower, self-knowledge, or other people, kept me caught in the endless cycle of addiction for years. The biggest lie I told myself was that I drank because of outside circumstances, because of other people, places or things. The truth is my drinking was about my internal condition, my own spiritual malady. My internal condition was driven by ideas like “I am not good enough, I am not worthy, and no one could ever really love me.” If something happened in my life that disproved these beliefs and ideas, I chose to believe the falsehoods, to hang onto the comfort of being a victim or a martyr. I lived in a prison of my own making and yet, I was the last one to see it. My thoughts, emotions, and attitudes were the true hell of my existence and the only escape I knew was with the bottle. Emotional roller coasters, bouts of depression, and feelings of loneliness were the guiding forces of my life. I was an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. I didn’t know how to live without drinking, it was the only thing providing me some sense and ease and comfort from myself. I was hopeless, yet I hung on to the insane idea that somehow, someday, I would learn to control and enjoy my drinking.
My drinking started with my obsession of my mind that fed me lies that I believed every time. There was a period of my drinking when I didn’t tell myself anything, I just drank. I blamed everybody and everything around me for my drinking and took zero action to actually change my circumstances. At some point, I surrendered to the fact that I would always need a drink to be able to deal with life on life’s terms. The world wasn’t a fair place and this was the medicine I needed in order to survive it. None of this was true yet it was all I knew of this life, and the only hope I had was that someday someone would pull me from my bar stool and appoint me CEO of their company. It never occurred to me that recruiters most likely didn’t hang out in bars and some education and experience was necessary to be a CEO. Plain insanity. My life was filled with the idea that this time things would be different. I tried this over and over hoping for a different result, but normally just woke up with a bad hangover and consequences of poor decision making while drinking. I didn’t know how to break this cycle and deep down I was afraid to try. It’s easier to blame others than to take responsibility for yourself. The day finally came where I was forced into treatment to “feel better”. I wanted to better my life, but I had no idea that quitting drinking was the first step. When I learned that treatment was about my drinking I became very angry, full of panic, and shame. I had tried the AA thing. I went to two meeting and took one look around and I decided I was not like those people and drank a bottle of wine on the way home – lying to myself the whole time. In treatment, I learned alcoholism is a serious disease that centers in my mind. I had something called a mental blank spot where I could not remember the suffering and humiliation of a week or a month ago. I was without a mental defense against the first drink. That was the most important piece of new information that changed the course of my life.
During a step one experience, it was demonstrated to me that not only was I selfish and self-centered, but that I pushed everyone away including God. I didn’t know how to truly connect to another human being, or how to show up for them expecting nothing in return. Today, I live the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous. I take direction from a sponsor and I am willing to set right wrongs I have made. I continue to perfect and enlarge my spiritual life through self- sacrifice and intensive work with other alcoholics. I have discovered peace of mind; I know how to accept responsibility for my part in things. I turn my will and my life over to God and I find joy. My trails and tribulations give me debt and weight to be able to pull another woman onto the path of freedom. Last month, I celebrated 15 years of continuous sobriety. My life is very different today driven by the thoughts: Thy will be done. How can I be helpful? Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said by me? Where did I start the ball rolling?
I am now owning my life, being transparent about my thoughts, and helping others all which are the keys to my sobriety. I do prayer and meditation every morning, and I constantly turn my will over to God. Today, my life is a witness to the power of God and him doing for me what I could never do for myself.
Sharon Sauer is a seasoned MBA professional with over 20 years in business development and marketing in both or for-profit and non-profit organizations. Sharon thrives in new environments. Having led teams in project-based consulting projects, she invites the challenges of growing organizations. Sharon is a woman in long term recovery who infuses integrity and hard work into everything she touches. As a relationship oriented visionary leader, Sharon has helped several companies to operate out of the red and into the black. Born and raised in Houston, Texas. She attended undergraduate at Texas Tech University and went on to get her Master’s in Business
Administration from St. Edward’s University. Most recently, Sharon completed over 80 hours from The International Association of Professional Recovery Coaches to become certified as a Professional Recovery Coach. Sharon has a passion for helping people obtain
long-term sobriety and uses her expertise to help clients. Sharon has worked in the substance use disorder field for the last six years serving roles as Led Recovery Advocate, Clinical Care Marketing Director and finally as Executive Director at Ascension House. Most recently, Sharon became a certified interventionist at Beacon of Light in Recovery. She received training from The Addiction Academy and Certified Case Management and Intervention training from Ken Seely at 911 Interventions.
If you’re struggling from drug or alcohol addiction you may feel like there’s no way out, but addiction recovery is possible. Keep these reasons to recover in mind and become a better you in 2018
No matter what it is that you’re dealing with, when you struggle with something that begins to take over your life—and even change your persona—then every day can feel like a battle. If you have ever experienced symptoms of or been diagnosed with a mental illness, eating disorder, addiction, or self-harmed you may understand how the world you once found yourself quite fond of, and certainly in control of, suddenly starts to feel like a prison. At least this is what I felt like during my lowest points.